It's 2:29 am and I am up. Do I blame it on jet lag? Probably, but I think partly my thoughts are keeping me up.
I had a dream just before I woke up to use the toilet. In my dream I mentioned I had to go somewhere in the car. I was at Drew's parents house and he and his parents were in the room when I announced I was going, probably to Target of all places. A look of worry flashed across their faces. Then Drew taking a hint from his parents expression went on to tell me that everyone is nervous when I drive because I drive recklessly too fast.
I then woke up, used to toilet, got back in bed for 10 minuets and decided it's just not happening.
I used to drive really fast whenever I was late (which is most of the time) and sometimes I think but because in the states the open roads on the freeway make it all too easy for me. I think secretly I am a race car driver. If I could I would be an off road race car driver on a small old muddy road somewhere in the English countryside driving a family wagon with two kids in the back and a scared husband sitting shot gun. The rush you get... well I'll save that story for another time.
Since moving to London (feel like I say this a lot in my posts and repetitive things kind of drive me crazy even though I do them all the time) I have become a slower driver. Probably... well there isn't a probably involved because really I have no choice to drive slower. I never go on a motor way here unless we travel outside of London and there are cameras everywhere so you will get a ticket if you speed. Because of the lack of motor ways the roads are crowded which means I now drive slow.
Going slower for me is one of the things I have found patience in. I feel as I write that I sound like a guru and I have become one with myself. Hardy, har, har! Far from the truth, but since we moved here I have tried to do just that. Emphasis on try. I actually think I know myself pretty well, or at least the ugly part of me. I try to hide these from people on the outside but I know they are visible. So I decided my main focus would be those kinks. You might think, well aren't your children your main focus? Haha, no. I am serious too, no Ashley sarcasm here. What I do know is that if I focus on improving myself that I will be a better mother for them.
Wow, after I write a sentence like that I feel like this sounds like a self help book. But hey, no one reads this anyway and it's just me getting what I need out.
Once I decided to focus on me (self centered b...) I actually had to sacrifice something I do love. Photography. But you know what, I love a lot more than photography. I love to make things, random things, like sharpie zebra leggings for safari day, a tutu for Chloe's school Christmas program (and yes they use the word Christmas in schools), piñata for birthday or Halloween parties. But what I love most is not caring about "what I am supposed to do". I feel like when I say I am not doing photography people look at me with a "why" look on their faces. I still take photos. I still love it. I just don't think it's time for me to obsess about it, and really I only have one mode with photography. It's like a bag of delicious jalapeño potato chips. Once you pop you just can't stop. At least that is the way it is for me.
Once I decided photography was going to take a back seat something magical happened. I had more patience! My obsessing about it went away along with it the feeling I have when I obsess. It's a stress of lacking everything I will never be able to accomplish or want to do. Now is not the time for that. I had to ask myself what is more important? Answer is/was so clear.
So I have learned to be more patient (Drew probably is laughing at this), drive slower (Drew still laughing), cook dinner almost every night (and it tastes pretty gang good most of the time and Drew has stopped laughing), keep a tidier home (Drew laughing again). There is one thing I feel like I am falling short on and that is closeness or openness with other people.
I have a friend in the UK that makes friends easily. She talks about her new friends from her son's school just after befriending them in about two weeks. I was shocked! I was happy for her and wishing I could be that open with people. I would probably never call someone a "friend" after two weeks. I thought, "that's all it took?"
I usually do make my best friends that fast, but would I call them friends to someone else after two weeks? If I am honest, probably not. Some friends to get close it takes years. When you only are living in a country for a few years it makes it hard to get close to other people and makes you miss those that you do have that relationship with. This is probably the main reason why I want to move home.
One stay at home dad is pretty observant of this about me. He sees I am not the first to talk to other people in the play yard at school. I do play dates all the time for Chloe's sake but sometimes it's just painful. He commented on how he tries to involve me with other moms in conversation but I give short responses that don't lead to continual conversation. One mom in particular is really nice but I think we both have this problem and when I try to engage in conversation I feel like I am just talking away about myself. Then hardly a response from her. I just don't know how to win. I don't want to be the person who is about me, me, me! I actually rather talk about nothing, something to make me laugh, but unless it is that person you instantly connect with conversation becomes a chore.
Sometimes I am skyping with my sister and think to myself "she can't shut me up and she is the one who is known for being more of a talker". You might say "well, she is your sister", but I am only like this with one of six sisters. Why can't I open up to anyone else in my family? It isn't because I don't want to. I would love to have the closeness I have with all my sisters. I love how it feels. I get along with everyone, have a great time, laugh, but never a tight nit closeness.
The same sister I talk to about almost everything, I would have never told her half of what I do say a few years ago. I thought it was because I couldn't trust her if she couldn't keep a secret. I still don't think she is the best at keeping secrets (and she should know why... I tricked her into telling me a secret, haha, still laughing at my evilness). I guess it's years of becoming closer. Maybe my friendships are like learning patience. It's a life long process, even though I feel like I have more progress with patience than with openness. Maybe it's an eye for an eye. You share with me first and then I will share with you. You will never get closer to me without you divulging first.
I almost believe that, or maybe it's part way true.
In my heart I can be your best friend in an instant (if we click), feel comfortable and make conversation easily. But going closer than that takes years. I have a lot of friends that I just love so much, but I don't tell them the hard things I go through. Save that for maybe 1-3 people.
Can I change this, probably not. Guess my goal is to put myself out more. Try to be more open with those people who I don't instantly click with. Try and make conversation so it doesn't end with my one word answers. I'll try not to be so scared with sharing a little bit more about what is inside. I think I can work on that. Not too impossible.
Maybe this is too much to divulge on a "family" blog, but I don't consider this that. I gave that up long ago. I love my children and the things that they do. It's so special and puts a smile on my face but it turns painful for me to account for everything they, Drew, or I ever did. It's a chore and I have too many to do anyway. A blog is too boring for that (at least mine). Little spinets are nice and easy.
A blog about what is going on in my head. To me it's a little scary but I think that's what I need. At least I have the safety of my office chair to hide behind.
You know a shirt that is impossible to iron? Well, I am that shirt and my blog is that iron.